I’ll be honest I didn’t get it at first! **and what I learnt meeting my ex**
For those of you who haven’t been to Kidzania in Westfields, it’s a kids make believe town (although pretty real) where you can go to work, earn money and then spend it on activities…
she’s currently earning money doing stock take in a pretend clothes store ( little does she know she’ll likely come to hate it working in NEXT when she’s 18 😂)
So Anyway..
She’s about to get her face painted as something she can buy with her hard earned cash!
And…Her sheer anticipation and joy… just breaks me.
I’m welling up and struggling not to cry my eyes out.
WHY?!
I asked myself that. I’ll get to it in a bit.
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PART 2:
I met my ex from 6 years ago the other day. I was supposed to give an update Friday, but got busier with ManClub setup for the evening then anticipated.
Chatting to her started slowly, but as I got more and more honest with my questions she started to share more and more openly…
It basically transpired (as I’d assumed looking back), that I just hadn’t had the awareness.
Yes my reasons and her reasons were both justified and true (to us anyway at the time) as to WHY the short “relAtionship” failed, but ultimately we had both failed to understand each other’s feelings. I’ll talk about this more in another post.
You see back then (6 years ago) I was shut off!
From feelings, from compassion, from being able to feel what someone else might need and WHY.
It’s not to say I wasn’t a nice person, or wasn’t able to show affection.
and from the outside I was an outgoing, confident person who connected with people.
I attracted people..YES…truly connected not so much.
Ultimately though I was only able to connect with that girl to such a degree. Mainly through sex.
As time has gone on, I’ve since learnt to realise and recognise those parts of me that I’d disconnected from. The feelings I couldn’t even recognise, let alone embrace due to trauma, decisions etc..
WHAT HAS IT MEANT?!
That.
*** With time, by continually working on ever increasing awareness of my feelings at a deeper and deeper level, to embrace not only my own, but recognise others needs…***
I’ve been able to actually FEEL more and more.
THE PROBLEM is for most who’ve been where I’ve been, experienced what I’ve experienced to shut off to such a degree
IS..
You can’t know what you don’t know.. you can’t know what you’re not feeling when you have never felt it!!! Or have forgotten how it can be/feel
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HOW MIGHT THIS BE SHOWING UP FOR YOU I HEAR YOU ASK?!
Well…
Maybe your partner is feeling frustration and unacknowledged as you’re not even able to recognise what they need (especially us men!!)
Maybe you make light of serious events that seem to hurt others and you can’t understand why
Maybe someone is leaning into you with their emotions and you just think they’re being OTT
OR a little less talked about, when it comes to releasing traumas and blocks and anything else that might be lying dormant or coming up to the surface (especially this last week)
Is
MAYBE JUST MAYBE you’re not able to experience joy the way others around you seem to.
Your threshold for being able to be in the moment and truly feel each essence of bliss each second as it raises up…
Your threshold for what’s funny.. your threshold for orgasm even, has a higher bar to reach
OR just like me of 2 years ago and more.
You couldn’t relate to the Presence, joy and sheer in the moment excitement of life that lay in waiting in every second of having fun as it does for my daughter
**AWARENESS** is the first step in accessing your feelings my friend, cause until now your feelings (good and bad) have been laying dormant waiting for you to re access them or integrate them to a deeper level
And when that happens
You truly get to feel the magic of every moment good or bad
SO TODAY,
when I felt all that emotion bubbling up at seeing my daughters excitement..
it was as much as anything a recognition to myself that now I was able to truly connect with my daughter in a way 6 years ago I didn’t even know I didn’t know I wasn’t feeling
just as I wasn’t able to connect truly with my ex 6 years ago, now having led me to this point; each intimate partner that I engage with I’m able to reach new depths of emotions and connection
P.S.
Don’t be afraid
go there, ask questions, feel the fear and do it anyway and when the hurt rises up to be acknowledged, know that there’s an immense amount of joy beyond what you’ve ever recognised in yourself and others to be experienced
P.P.S Be courageous and know that you will only be given what you can handle on this journey we call life