“Fall in love with someone for who they are, not for who they will potentially become”
Apart from follow your gut/intuition this would be the second most important piece of advice I could give me of 10 years ago!
Because as I covered in a video last Wednesday there’s destiny AND then there’s free will.
With free will we always have a choice on who we are set to become at any given moment and how quickly we get back on the path that gets us there quickest….
YOU SEE just like me (if you’re reading this) I know you know how it feels to be there for other people and I’d hazard a guess that you are a damn sight better at being there for other people then you are yourself.
AND WHEN it comes to being in a relationship, the program we’ve developed whereby if we’re there for someone else then, if we “hold space”, then ultimately at some point we will get the love that we are looking to receive kicks in and can blind us.
OR maybe when you were a child, each time you did something around the house, or did something amazing you were acknowledged, you were noticed, you were seen. Now as an adult, you seek acknowledgement from your peers for what you show up to be doing and forget to check in with yourself with what you actually want, as you’re driven to this acceptance, acknowledgement and ultimately love.
These are just a couple of examples of many…
AND you might be asking yourself what is the point to this post.
AS ALWAYS (😛) it’s self awareness.
Sometimes it can be hard to notice when you’re taking sh*t from someone because you’re so used to doing it, or maybe you see their fullest potential OR see the programs running in them, so therefore let them off as you can see WHY they’re showing up the way they are.
AT THAT point you need to get to know yourself. Define yourself and define what you want and what is the tipping point for you.
Here are a few steps, a 101 if you like of dealing with these kind of situations:
1. KNOW YOUR VALUES. Know what is important to you truly and from that place you can gauge when enough is enough more so. E.g. If one of your soul values (not just a program you run) is personal growth, then make a decision, a timeframe for how long you are willing to maintain a balance in a relationship if the other person isn’t willing to access their shit and take responsibility
2. NOTICE HOW YOU ARE SHOWING UP. What programs are you bring to the table “good” and “bad”. Are you showing up with neediness to be accepted just as much as the other person is showing as a bitch/prick?
Are you taking the affliction of the other party as like I mentioned above, it’s how you learned to receive love at a younger age?
3. ASK YOURSELF have you ever experienced this situation/feeling or a facet of this situation before?
I love the expression “face changes, energy remains”. It simply states that if something continually shows up in your life, a feeling or something you don’t like, even if it’s across different areas of your life, that there are no coincidences.
The universe loves you so much, that it will bring to your attention that which needs attention for your growth in the form of people and situations in your life.
So ask yourself:
“When was the last time someone made me feel this way?”
“When did I first experience this?”
“When did I first make the decision that love means this?”
AND be open to the fact that there are cycles of growth, 9 year, 7 year, 4 year… so even if it’s been a while and you thought you were done with something… it may be that it needs to integrate to a deeper level of awareness in your beingness, or maybe you never dealt with it and now is the perfect time for it to be brought to your attention for growth.
4. HAVE A CONVERSATION. Assumptions and feelings feeling unacknowledged kill relationships of all kinds.
You may feel like you’re the more conscious of the relationship (intimate or otherwise) , but until you open up a dialogue (with awareness of where the other party is at) to let them know how you feel the opportunity for change is fenced in. Now when I say let them know how you feel, I mean feel.
“Bernadette, when you accuse me of doing X it makes me feel like you don’t ever see anything but the bad in our relationship, which makes me feel sadness”
IS 100 times more powerful for a number of reasons
“Bernadette, I didn’t do X, if you just opened your eyes you’d realise how good I am for you”
See the difference? You’re stating simply how you feel, not trying to lay down facts… and as a result you can open up a dialogue of awareness of what is truly going on, not what your mind is trying to prove to you what is going on to validate some programs you’re running
5. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. It’s not your responsibility to look after everyone else and it’s not your responsibility to put up with an endless stream of a shitstorm if it doesn’t make you happy.
Work on your deserving, your self-worth and know that you are enough exactly as you are. YES people may judge you (trust me I’ve been there 😛), but they don’t know you and they don’t know what you’ve been through. You don’t have to put up with someone who is choosing free will over picking their destiny and dealing with their side of the co-manifestated stuff in the relationship.
Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best and did the best with the knowledge and wisdom you had at the time. Have the courage to accept your flaws and mistakes and be in your truth and acknowledge your feelings as often as possible. Just because you did wrong once, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve happiness.
Be kind to yourself. You are worthy of love just as you are.
6. IT’S NOT PERSONAL. I wish the 20 yr old me would have known this! It would have saved me a lot of unacknowledged feelings, dishonesty to myself an hurt!
When someone acts in a certain way towards you, don’t take it personally as the first action step. There could be a number of reasons the other party is showing up that way and a number of reasons you are attracting it. When you can see that relationships are the most beautiful opportunity for growth there is in life, you will start to see relationships as the growth tool that they are.
When you stop taking things personally and do the steps above, something amazing happens.
It doesn’t hurt so bad!
I often hear people say things like “That person struggles to get over him/her because they loved them so much”
YES time is a healer, but an even quicker healer is doing the steps above.
Know what you want
Acknowledge how you are showing up
Realise the programs you’re running
Understand what your soul is looking to learn
Be kind to yourself
AND start seeing whatever is showing up in your life as an opportunity for growth.
FROM that place, you’ll start too enjoy the “bad” for what it is. An experience your soul signed up for. Without the collateral beauty of sadness, anger, pain, hurt… how sweet do you think unconditional love would feel?
How sweet could feeling 100% approved, acknowledged and accepted feel if you’ve only ever experienced that in your life.
It is a GIFT and please know that, it gets easier, it gets simpler and the feelings of peace, happiness and love do come, you just have to do the work first to taste that sweet reward.
GOOD LUCK! It’s not an easy journey, but I can promise YOU… it will be worth it. WHY rob yourself of the experience of feelings joy, bliss and love based on programs or past failings. You will get there in the end, so go for what you want shamelessly in love and all areas of your life.
Here if you need x
P.S. If anything is showing up in your relationship that is making you feel hurt in any shape or form, including anger, frustration, sadness, feelings unacknowledged… there is a part of you that is co-creating the situation and as a result needs to be addressed on your side of the relationship….